The "good enough" mother
Why ruptures, repaired, are how attachment is built.
Donald Winnicott, the British paediatrician and psychoanalyst, observed that mothers who tried to be perfect were more anxious and produced more anxious children than mothers who were "good enough." His phrase, never meant as a settling for, was a clinical insight: the imperfections, when repaired, are part of how attachment is made.
The current research, particularly from the Tronick still-face experiments, supports this with hard data. Babies who experience rupture and repair learn that disconnection is survivable. They develop resilience. Babies who experience perfect synchrony, were such a thing possible, would learn nothing of the sort.
You will lose your patience. You will pick up your phone when she is mid-story. The mistake is not the rupture. The mistake is the missing repair. The repair is everything.
Try this week
- Today, repair one small thing. "I was sharp earlier. I am sorry. You did not deserve that."
- Do it in front of older children, especially. They are watching how to do it themselves.
- Do not over-explain. The repair is short. The lesson is in its existence.
Reference. Donald Winnicott; Edward Tronick, "Still-Face" experiments