Name it to tame it
Why putting words to feelings calms the brain.
Dan Siegel coined the phrase. Functional MRI work by Matthew Lieberman at UCLA backs it up: when a person labels a feeling, the amygdala (alarm centre) quiets and the prefrontal cortex (the regulating part) lights up.
For a child mid-meltdown, this looks like getting on their level and saying: "You are so disappointed. You wanted the red cup and I gave you the blue. That is hard." Not as a magic phrase, but as the moment you become a mirror they can see themselves in.
The mistake parents make is rushing past it to the lesson. Sit in the naming. The lesson lands later, sometimes much later, and only if the naming came first.
Try this week
- Today, name three feelings out loud, including yours. ("I am frustrated. The traffic was long.")
- Resist the urge to fix. Naming is the work.
- Try "you are…" sentences instead of "don't cry" sentences.
Reference. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson, "The Whole-Brain Child"